It certainly makes you think isn’t it? When someone you thought you’d never stop loving and get over suddenly found you on Facebook, and you wonder when you hit the “confirm” button to confirm friends, how did he fade into some shallow acquaintance you only see on Facebook, along with David and Anna from work that you hardly speak to and Auntie Mary who lives in America that you only would see at her own funeral.
How did Ed fade into my memories and why does he emerge so powerfully even through a Facebook message? His name sent a shock through my core like it always did. Yet without these reminders he didn’t exist. I go on living my life, love, hate, laugh, cry…he was no part of it.
I don’t think I loved anyone the way I did with Ed. Something died within me after him. I looked for his phantom in every other man until the man I got married with. Crooked smile, tick, amber eyes, tick, tattoos, tick, alcoholic, tick, I never did leave him after 3 years.
I saw the photos of his little boy on the Facebook, he is truly adorable, looks just like Ed. A feeling close to jealousy did emerge momentarily, then I thought we couldn’t ever make it with a child, we weren’t getting along just by ourselves. I couldn’t marry him because I could not imagine him leaving me one day, and he the same. Only he chooses to be alone and I couldn’t bear it.
So we preserved something before it went bad, placed it in a jar and hid it away. We both moved on but something got left behind and that feeling comes back every time I thought of him. Maybe we should have left it till it was sour so the memories wouldn’t be so sweet and hurtful.
Ed, if you could see me through a Facebook page, would you see my heart bleed?